Post-Elsie: What Happened Afterwards?

This is the most difficult part to write about my experience with Elsie. There’s a lot associated with what happened after the race that took me 2 weeks to fully write this up. Let me begin by saying: I would never change what happened during that event. It’s truly a great and challenging event, and feel immensely grateful. Everyone associated with it has been great, and I truly appreciate those that have reached out to me afterward. I am truly grateful, and I fully intend to run this race again in 2023.

I really struggled to handle and fully incorporate all the feelings and emotions that stemmed from this event. I became physically, emotionally, and psychologically drained and it took a toll on me over the following days. I realized I was stronger in many ways than I believed, but also found a lot of weaknesses and vulnerabilities that I am still processing through. Running long distances and races such as this strips away all the extra noise and distractions in the world. Ultimately, it’s just you and the trails out there. I find so much peace, calmness, and serenity out there. If I could, I would spend all day out there.

 

I ended Elsie broken. I was ok but not ok. When I broke down that was the end of my run. I was not capable to work out my issues on the course like I usually am able to during a long run/race. Physically, I recovered quickly and felt ready to run again after a couple days. After 2 weeks, I finally feel close to fully recovered at 100%. Emotionally, I am starting to stabilize again. I felt out of whack for several days experiencing the raw highs and lows from smashing PRs to the disappointment of falling just short of winning the event.

 

To put things into perspective, it’s really helped me to reflect on how far I’ve come since I’ve started. Running started for me only about 5 years ago when I was depressed and considering suicide. I weighed 310 pounds at my max and picked up running to get healthy. It’s slowly turned into a lifestyle since, with the constant desire to go faster and further even to this day. Explore the unknown and test my limits beyond what most people can fathom. It’s an insatiable desire to want to become the best I can be and continue to push beyond the limits of my capabilities. I would rather break my body pushing myself to the edge than just play it safe.

 

My psychological condition has been a struggle since the contest. Most people don’t know this, but I suffer from Schizophrenia and Asperger’s. I struggle to vocalize and process emotions and handle most things logically and quietly. Beneath the layers of peace, is a mindset full of chaos, uncertainty, and endless anxiety. The transition down here has been a struggle, with loads of uncertainty in many aspects of my life. There is no substitute for the gorgeous mountains.

 

Maybe it’s a character flaw that I have to work on, but I’ve always been the type of person to go for it. I don’t know how to place safe and realistic boundaries of what I expect from myself. To compensate for that, I tend to be over respectful of other people’s time and effort. I typically assume/believe people have too much going on to fit me in because that’s how I’ve been conditioned. It’s opened the door to dig deep for self-exploration and pushing my limits, however, it has revealed my struggle to have deep relationships. The people here are great, this is something solely I need to work on. Don’t be afraid to send me a random invite to things, I may take you upon it.

 

To sum things up Elsie was amazing, and this event and format are great. I wasn’t the 2^nd fastest, strongest, smartest, or most experienced runner in the field. The only character trait that I may rank 2^nd in is overall stubbornness. Growing up, I watched NASCAR with my dad and my favorite driver was Dale Earnhardt Sr. He always used to say, “The winner of the race isn’t the driver with the fastest car, but the one that refuses to lose.” I try to maintain that mindset in everything I do and that has really helped me get back to normal.